GOING GAY FOR HITCH

There is a long list of things I hate. Two of those things happen to be (1) hero worship and (2) when hetero men talk about who they'd "go gay" for. I intend to fully indulge both of those loathsome phenomena presently.

I do not believe there is a gay bone in my body (yes, there are lots of jokes there, I know). At least, I don't normally think so until I see a TV or youtube clip of British-turned-American news pundit and all-around intellectual bad-ass Christopher Hitchens. I wish there was something kind I could say about his physical appearance, but alas, many years of indulging Hemingway's favorite passion have left him bloated and somewhat sickly looking. No matter. The sheer force of his intellect is enough to transform someone with The Elephant Man's appearance into the hottest of spank material. Fiercely combative, unapologetically atheist, lightning-quick on his feet, and eloquent beyond belief, Hitchens is a stentorian early 20th century intellectual in a weak, pusillanimous early 21st century world. There is no fight he will back down from, there is no position he will not take on a matter simply because it is not popular, there is no opponent too skilled for him to debate. He is, simply put, a credit to the human race.

One of my favorite things about Hitch is his complete lack of allegiance to any political camp. He can manage to outrage a fundamentalist right-wing christian and an isolationist, we-just-want-the-world-to-love-us liberal in the same breath. A former Marxist, Hitch gradually moved a little to the right over the years. Following 9/11, his position became much more stridently conservative in foreign policy affairs, due in no small part to his hatred of religious fanaticism.

Even dead celebrities don't escape the wrath of Hitch if he deems them unworthy. One of the quotes that interviewers of the man like to point to is his famous rant against Jerry Falwell, of whom Hitchens stated that it was "a pity there's no hell for him to go to." He also devoted an entire essay following Bob Hope's death challenging his readers to demonstrate a single funny thing the old coot ever said. I mean, we're talking about a guy who wrote an entire book about Mother Teresa entitled The Missionary Position. When questioned about the provocative title, Hitch replied, "it was either that or Sacred Cow, and I thought Sacred Cow would be in bad taste." Fucking ruthless.

Watching him debate an opponent is a site to behold and one I would recommend to anyone interested (even if only slightly) in the political conversation America happens to be engaged in at any given moment. Caustic and fearless, he can reduce an opponent to a lobotomized retard in a matter of minutes. Additionally, he has what can only be called an encyclopedic knowledge of history and the politics behind it. A sheer joy to behold, I say.

So yeah, I'd go gay for Hitch. I would lick the alcohol-laden sweat from his body while dressed as a Catholic priest and apologize for the harm I'd done to the world. Hitchens is a decent family man, of course, so he would never go for this, but it is important that I make my naked admiration for the man abundantly clear. He is one of the few heroes I have. His independence of mind, and his willingness to defend that independence in the face of opposition that can be both qualitative and quantitative are, I believe, truly admirable traits. And yes, for that, I'd tap it.