HEY, GUESS WHAT?

I aint on your fucking "team." Never have been, never will be. So don't use that fucking word in my presence unless you want me to tear your goddamn throat out and eat it in front of your family. The only "team" I support are individuals who are willing and capable of thinking for themselves. And trust me, if that word is a regular part of your vocabulary, you are not one of those people. Now go die.

THROAT CANCER IS FOR WIMPS!

I have no reason for using that title other than to titillate. Well, also, I think it would have been really cool if Michael Douglas had snarled that line in the new Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. It's too bad he didn't, because that would have been one of the most entertaining things that happened in this colossal mess of a film.

If you're like me (or even if you're not like me, but you still have good taste in movies), you loved the original Wall Street. You loved the tight plot, the fast pace, the genuine white collar suspense, the brilliant performances (especially by Michael Douglas as the incomparable Gordon Gekko), Stewart Copeland's feverish yet haunting score, and the no holds barred portrayal of 1980s Wall Street as a decadent high-tech playground where few rules applied. There was nothing NOT to love about it, really. It was made during a time when captivating an audience with a healthy plot and interesting dialogue was still held in somewhat high regard.

Fast forward to 2010. Films, as most of the more discerning of you already know, have pretty much lost their humanity. Oh, I know there are still exceptions here and there, but for the most part, going to the movies has become a more expensive way of watching a fireworks display. Sadly, Oliver Stone's return to his former glory days is no exception to this unfortunate rule.

The film stars Shia LaBeouf as young Master of the Universe Jake Moore. Moore is meant to be the Bud Fox of this tale, except that unlike Fox, Moore appears to have already hit it big in the finance world, thus lacking the nervous desperation Charlie Sheen brought to his role. LaBeouf is also an uninspiring douche, and trust me when I tell you that quality comes shining through like the fucking Second Coming. Carrie Mulligan plays his love interest, Winnie Gekko, who is also, you guessed it, Gordon Gekko's estranged daughter. The chemistry between LaBeouf and Mulligan is lackluster enough to be the stuff of legend. At not one point in the film did I give two shits about their relationship or what became of it.

But what of the plot, you might ask? Well, that's one of the problems here. The movie can't decide what it's about. Is it an intricate financial cloak and dagger story? Maybe. Is it a story of familial redemption and/or betrayal? Maybe that, too. Is it a love story? Blech, but yeah, maybe so. The financial machinations here are so much gibberish I will not bother to go into them. What is important that you know is that nothing is adequately explained in any of the sub-plots simply because there are too damn many of them. What parts are adequately explained you don't care about because the film never bothers to assign anything resembling humanity to these characters. But then, why should this movie be any different than 95% of the rest of the shit coming out of Hollywood these days. Oh, that's right, it shouldn't. Live with mediocrity. Embrace it, even. This is our America.